**As a belated 2015 New Years Resolution, I decided I would write a daily (or, almost daily, I know some days I just won’t be able to find the time) blog answering a thought provoking question from a long list of questions I found here in a quest of self exploration.
Today’s Chosen Question :
Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
I have a difficulty letting things go under certain circumstances. When were in someones lives, were going to say or do the wrong thing at some point. Thats probably one of the few guarantees that life ever has. When someone does something that hurts me, if they take responsibility for it, acknowledge how whatever they did made me feel and then do not repeat the behavior, I can move on and I feel like things are resolved. I can forgive. But when they don’t give a crap, when they turn out to be just plain mean and sinister and manipulative and selfish and they’re not one bit sorry – I have a much more difficult time letting it go and moving on. It something I am actively working on, especially right now when I made the choice in mid-February to completely change my life. Changing your life doesn’t just mean changing the scenery but it means doing things differently, reacting directly, putting the past truly behind you rather than just running from it. And facing all of that and trying to put the old YOU behind you is a very, very difficult thing to do.
Things my mentally unstable ex-roommate has said and done still bother me. She tells lies and twisted versions of the truth to others to make me look like an asshole, and it bugs me that I don’t know if she’s doing it all deliberately to manipulate and hurt me, or if she’s just so emotionally disturbed that she actually believes the skewed versions (her own families exact words to me) of the stories she tells and re-tells. Because of the stress and emotional abuse I was suffering because of her, I finally just decided to not just move out, but cut off ALL ties with her and any and all of the negative people that know and/or associate with her or lingered around in my life. I know it was the best decision I ever made, and turning my back on all of it has already improved my life so much but allowing me the time and emotional energy to focus on furthering my own life etc, but once in a while I still have those faltering moments where I wish I could punch her square in her pudgy bitch-face (see…a moment) for being such a vicious, terrible human, but then I have to remember that she has diagnosed mental problems and so do most of the people she associates with etc, so then I feel bad for being so angry at her etc, and its just a cycle of personal negativity that does me no good at all.
It might have seemed like I digressed, but the point of this is that what I need to let go of is the handful of interconnected people over the last five years that I accidentally got mixed up in… the horrible things these people did, and the horrible ways they made me feel. I am better than them, I am better than that, and I want and deserve a life better than that. Letting go is not something done overnight, but it is possible if you put the effort in. Its just a matter of making choices that demonstrate that you have self-respect and refusing to accept anyone in your life who does anything but lift you up. 🙂