Dear Humanity,
It happens to all of us at some point in our life. Its not fun, but its life. The accidental public fart.
My personal advice : When it happens, accept it. I understand you will feel embarrassed (we’ve ALL been there) but know as you glance around the room that every single person has been in your shoes before. Or, if they haven’t, they Will. Just shrug and go on with your day. Some people will try to cover up the accidental fart with a fake cough or a fake sneeze. This is risky. It has a very modest success rate, and its only ever possible to succeed if ALL factors add up correctly.
The factors : 1. Even if its too late to stop it, you can only try to “cover” by fake-coughing and/or fake-sneezing AT THE SAME TIME that you accidentally fart. Maybe you will get lucky and your accidental fart is pretty quiet while your fake-cough / fake-sneeze drowns it out. You’ll also want to hope that you get lucky in that you’re not in an inclosed space (if you’re in an elevator, forget it, you’re busted, don’t bother trying.) because you can casually walk to the other side of the room so no, arm, odor gives you away. If you’re on the move, how can people pinpoint it to you unless its especially rancid? (Lets not dwell on that because..ew.)
2. You have to have a least a little bit of acting skills, enough to make the sound of your fake-cough and/or fake-sneeze realistic. Guys, “a-choo!” is not ACTUAL. Things happen when you sneeze. You often first involuntarily wrinkle your nose as that “feeling” comes upon you, it tickles, it gets worst and then AChOO! Its an anticipatory thing even if it happens quickly. Not having the right involuntary facial expression gives you away. Coughing? Sound is key. Honestly… its even harder to fake-cough because unless you actually have a cough, its hard to make your throat sound sore or congested (depends on whether you’re going for a dry cough or mucas-y cough).
3. NEVER – EVER : accidentally fart, and THEN try to fake-cough or fake-sneeze. It does NOT work that way and only draws MORE attention to your “oopsie”.
I witnessed this HORRIBLE attempt at a cover-up today (and had to restrain myself from laughing at the person) which lead me to want to write out this advice for others.
I still say your best bet is just to shrug or say excuse me and go on with your day. Trust me. People will forget you farted, but it takes them longer to forget you farted, and than a whole three seconds later, pretended to sneeze.
Kell Frillman - Author 