For the sake of blogging and self-exploration and contemplation, I answer a question a day off ofthis list.
Today’s question : What do you want most?
That’s such a vague question that I don’t even know how to answer it. At this very specific moment, I want a damned soda! But I’m trying to cut back on drinking soda and limiting my intake to one or two a week, so I’m resisting getting one (plus I’d have to walk down to the deli a few blocks away from work and it’s cold outside and I don’t feel like doing that) so instead I’m sitting here pouting that I don’t have a soda, and wishing I did, but also knowing that I can’t have one every time I want one or I would have several a day which I used to do when I was in High School but it’s just not healthy at all.
But let’s assume that this question was meant to be a bit more existential than that. What do I want most? I used to think “happiness.” Most people want that, right? I can’t speak for others, but chasing happiness constantly lead me down the opposite path. Trying to chase after things that made me happy ended up always making me miserable. So I did the thing ; I gave up on happiness altogether.
I decided to want something similar, yet different. I decided I wanted peace. What I didn’t realize at first was that changing my outlook in that way ended up being the exact right thing to do. If someone is a jackass, I turn my back on them faster than you can blink. If someone puts me down, POOF, they do not exist in my life, at all. Irrelevant. Gone. Bye. Anything that brings conflict or turmoil is instantly and completely shut out. And do you know what?
My life is peaceful. My days are predictable, everything is under control. Most importantly, my feelings. (Mostly because I don’t let anyone who would or could hurt them near enough to do so.)
Not everyone is going to agree with me. “Take a chance! Trust more people. Just because you got hurt once (or a thousand times in my case) doesn’t mean you’ll get hurt every time! You won’t be happy until ____, or ____.” To be rather blunt, those people can shut the hell up, right now. Because they’re wrong. I know that by constant experience. It’s true, I’m a guarded person. I don’t ever put myself in a position where someone can screw with me anymore. I make choices every single day to ensure my life remains peaceful, and I do not regret it, and I do not have any desire to change it. I’m single (by conscious, willing choice), I have a good job that I like, it pays me enough to pay my bills without the need for a roommate, and my coworkers are mostly great people whom I get along with just fine. I have a good group of casual friends to catch drinks or a movie with. I have adorable pets, and I find the time to pursue simple hobbies that I enjoy. I live a peaceful life.
In conclusion, what I want most is to not be in pain. And right now, I’m doing okay. I’m at peace. While some might not agree with how guarded I am, or some might think I’m not “open enough to potential things” etc etc – they haven’t lived in my shoes. I can’t change the past or the ugly things people have done to me, but I don’t want to spend my life wallowing in their projected misery. Life isn’t perfect, but it’s peaceful and I feel that’s the most realistic thing I can ask for. I have what I want most, and that’s pretty cool.