** The first two books in my six part dystopian series have officially made their way out into the world! Check them out!
For the sake of blogging and self-exploration and contemplation, I’ve been slowly making my way through answering questions from this list.
Today’s question: What personal prisons have you built out of fears?
Well, that’s rather heavy! Ahem.
My point of view on this fluctuates daily, hourly, sometimes even moment by moment. Two years ago, I made a choice to not put myself in a position to be dependent on anyone in any way, physically, emotionally, financially, or otherwise. I succeeded in building a great life that adhered to those personal goals of mine and I enjoy it a lot! It’s a wonderful choice as far as having a very peaceful life, but there are moments when I worry that I may be missing out on parts of life that others get to enjoy. I suppose no matter what our lives are like, there’s always that part of us that wonders if the grass may be greener on the other side. But when I think about those things I may be missing, I don’t really -want- them and I don’t always know if I don’t want those things in life because I simply march to the beat of a different drummer, or if it’s because I won’t allow myself to want those things because of the vulnerable position I would have to put myself in to be open to those things. “Don’t poke the bear,” the cliche goes. When life is good, why put yourself in a vulnerable position like that when that has ended badly for you multiple times in the past? Then, I full-circle back to acceptance and gratitude for the life I have.
In all honesty, I don’t have a solid answer to this very personal question. Is it a “prison” that I don’t allow myself to be dependent on others? There are things I don’t get to have with the life choices I’ve made, such as romantic relationships, but as it stands, I’m not being used, or hurt, or manipulated, or controlled. I also have the freedom that many others don’t have, I don’t have to “answer” to anyone and the only responsibilities I have to tend to are my own. For those who choose marriage (or just a committed relationship and children, they are limited in their choices in ways that I will never be. No matter what life choice you make, there are things you have to sacrifice, so I guess I’m realizing that I don’t see my fears as having imprisoned me, even if once in a while I “wonder” about the things I’ve had to sacrifice. Ultimately I do feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be.
Kell Frillman - Author 