DailyBlog : My Greatest Challenge

** The first two books in my six part dystopian series have officially made their way out into the world! Check them out!
For the sake of blogging and self-exploration and contemplation, I’ve been slowly making my way through answering questions from this list.

Today’s Question : What is your greatest challenge?

How do I pick just one?! Haha. I suppose it’s a tie between letting things go even when they don’t feel resolved (unfortunate family trait) and self-love/self-acceptance.

If someone treats me poorly, I have a hard time letting things go if they don’t cop to what they did and apologize. I guess the best way I can think of to describe it is that without acknowledgment and apology, it’s like taking a dump on someone’s face; aka saying without remorse I’m not worth being treated with basic human decency. I have no idea how to NOT be bothered by someone literally convincing themselves that I’m worthless. That’s one of the most disgusting ways to treat someone, Period.
Being treated like my worth is less than everyone else’s is something I’ve experienced in life for as long as I can remember, so it’s definitely a trigger for me and I struggle to handle it well. I struggle with realizing that there’s nothing I can say or do that will convince crappy people to not be crappy people. I know all of the cliches, “It’s not a reflection of you, it’s a reflection of THEM” etc, etc, but it feels crappy, nonetheless.
I’m human, I’ve made mistakes and I’ve hurt people, but if they say to me that something I said or did really hurt their feelings or damaged them, that matters to me and although I can’t undo what’s already done, I validate their feelings, and I apologize. I can’t imagine just saying to someone that I’ve hurt, “I don’t give a fuck!” and going on with my life without giving them, or what I did or said to them, a second thought. That’s a concept I don’t think I’ll ever understand, and for that, I’m glad.

With the self-love/self-acceptance, I’ve actually come a very long way, but I still have frustrations and insecurities that I will likely always struggle with throughout my life. (Doesn’t almost everyone?) It does tie into the situation above, though. Being treated like a lesser person for most of my life, it’s hard to rise above that and to un-learn all of the twisted lessons of vulnerable years of mistreatment. I try, though, and I’ll keep trying.

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