** The first three books in my six-part dystopian series have officially made their way out into the world! Check them out!
For the sake of blogging, self-exploration, and contemplation, I’ve been slowly making my way through answering questions from this list
Today’s Question: Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?
HA. HAHAHAHAHA.
Ahem, sorry. I just really, really despise that cliche.
If you view me as a pessimist for this, than so be it, but absolutely, assuredly, not. When I was a child and a young teenager, I pushed through all of the struggles I had to face by telling myself that someone out there was going to love me, really see me, insert all of the teenage girl cliches about future love here.
When I was in my early twenties, I fell in love, HARD. I -thought- he fell in love with me as well and suddenly the doorway to the magical future I had been waiting for was open and I was ready and willing to walk through it. It all fell apart fast. I fell, and I kept falling, and I was absolutely, irrevocably not okay.
I was an absolute mess all throughout the rest of my twenties. I suppose it’s unfair to say that losing the love of my life was the sole reason, but it was, shall we say, the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I’m now in my thirties. I only ever dated one other person who was nice and kind and wanted to share a future with me, and I ended up running far and fast because I couldn’t deal with the idea of trusting another person in that way again. I’ve settled into my perpetually single life, I’ve found joy and purpose and all of that, but at least before I met that guy, I had hope and I was able to be open to the idea of love. Not everyone can “overcome” that kind of heartache. Wounds heal but leave scars. (Yay, another cliche.) If I had the conscious choice to have never crossed paths with him, I would choose that. I suppose if I’m being completely honest, in way it’s a good thing that I’ve graduated from “someone will come along and love me and see me” to “screw that, I’m going to make my own life and depend on myself for my own happiness,” but the path to get here was a path I would NEVER redo if I had the choice. If I was given the option to go back and live an alternative timeline where I never crossed paths with him to begin with, right or wrong, I would do it. I do not think I’m better off having loved and lost. I’m in a good place right now but of course, like anyone, I’ll always wonder who I’d be and where I’d be if certain events in my past had gone down differently. I’d take the risk of having a different life now if I could erase the devastation of having lost the only person I was ever able to love. (Romantically speaking.) Call it grim if you want, I just call it being honest.
Kell Frillman - Author 