DailyBlog: The Most Terrifying Moment Of My Life

** The first three books in my six-part dystopian series have officially made their way out into the world! Check them out!
For the sake of blogging, self-exploration, and contemplation, I’ve been slowly making my way through answering questions from this list

Today’s Question: What has been the most terrifying moment of your life thus far?

This is actually a challenging question for me. We all have terrifying moments, even if it’s that first second after you jump and free fall with a bungee cord attached to your ankles. Until the cord ‘catches’ you honestly feel like you’re about to die.

But that doesn’t compare to real terror… the terror of the moment that you realize your life will NEVER be the same. I suppose my most terrifying moment was when I realized that my fiancé was never coming back. The moment that I realized the love of my life was gone for good. That was so many years ago at this point (I was quite young) but even just now writing those few sentences caused my chest to tighten and my facial muscles to tense up. Pain is a HUGE part of moments like that… but the fear is what really pushes you to the brink of insanity. The fear of feeling dead inside. The fear of feeling like that was the one thing you believed in, the one thing that you were holding on to, and it was gone. YOu’re broken, so broken and you know that you will NEVER be able to be put back together the way you once were. And you have no idea who you are anymore … everything betrayed you: Him, God, Life — EVERYTHING.

I lost him over a decade ago, and I had to struggle through years of a search for identity, of being broken, of being guarded, and it’s only been within the last four years that I’ve truly began to somewhat heal, but I’ve had to live by self-made rules in order to do so. I can’t even stomach the idea of risking going through something like that again. No matter how much time passes, I just don’t see myself ever being willing to risk it. And I’m okay with that. I’m at peace with that. Yeah… that was true, raw, terror. I wouldn’t wish that on the worst human being in the world.

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