*** The first three books in my six-part dystopian series have officially made their way out into the world! Check them out!
For the sake of blogging, self-exploration, and contemplation, I’ve been slowly making my way through answering questions from this list
Today’s Question: What does love feel like?
I almost skipped this question because to be frank, I don’t like it. But I reconsidered when I reminded myself that I started working through this list of questions for the purpose of self-exploration and it would be unjust to skip a question just because of my mood in any given moment, or because of my distaste toward said question in general.
I don’t know how to answer this question. Love is such an abstract concept that is portrayed in literature and film as epic and enlightening, and also potentially tragic and all-encompassing. It’s a word that we are conditioned to throw around in some very specific ways, but no one has really ever agreed on a universal definition of the world / feeling / experience.
I’ve loved before, I think, but I don’t agree with the phrase “It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.” Sometimes I feel confused though when considering the word ‘love’ to describe how I felt for certain people. I thought I loved someone that I was really close with during my early adulthood. Although the feeling was mutual and we finally admitted it to each other, it turned out that he had a job offer he would have been dumb to turn down, and it would take him away from the city. Neither one of us thought that starting a relationship long distance was a great idea, so we never did pursue anything.
The second person I believe that I loved, we had a VERY intense relationship, and it crashed and burned with even more intensity than it existed with. I’ve never had a drug or a drinking problem, but when people describe their addictions, it rings a lot of bells of familiarity with that relationship, and that fall-out. Yes, addiction to a person is a real thing, and in psychology-terms, it’s something that occurs when your “love-map” is screwed up, which happens a lot with childhood trauma. So, was it love, or was it addiction? Let’s just say it was love for a moment. What did that feel like? It felt like an intense need. It felt like I couldn’t breathe without that person. It felt like I couldn’t exist without that person. Sure, it was a “high” when we were together, but a downward spiral of hell and desperation when we weren’t. If that’s love, you can keep it! I’ve done so much better on my own. I went through a lot but I found stability and peace and I’ve achieved goals and accomplished getting things that I wanted. Every single time I consider trying to date again, my mind goes back to that relationship and that’s an immediate reminder to me that I never want to feel like that again. It wasn’t a positive experience. I don’t look back on it fondly. I’m not grateful that I “loved and lost.”
So to try and answer the question: I have no idea what love feels like, because I have no idea if what I felt could even be defined by the word ‘love.’ Relationships is one area in which I am messed up beyond repair, and I’ve chosen to accept that and just not participate in them. I have great friends who provide an awesome support system. I work in a profession that means something to me, I’m doing good every day that I’m at work. I’m not lonely. My life isn’t without meaning. I don’t need “love.”