DailyBlog: Memoirs From The Past

Someone linked me to a tweet today that someone posted referencing a public diary of sorts that I wrote several years ago and put out on the Interwebs to shed light on a concerning behavioral patterns of particular niche of people, and how invisibl and helpless they collectively caused me to feel.

During that time, I was surrounded by an incredible amount of toxicity. I was mixed up with the wrong people in the wrong place for me, and although I knew that on some level, I was very stubborn back then and I couldn’t quite see what life was trying to tell me. I felt like I had a “right” to belong in that niche so I fought against the fuckery.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t completely innocent in my misery. I acted and reacted in ways that didn’t help or improve my situation. I was in pain and I reacted to it strongly. I’m not angry with myself about the past, I was just trying to survive, but I am so damned glad that I finally had that “wake-up” moment in 2015 where I had just had enough, and I finally found the courage to completely turn my back on all of the threads I had been trying to cling to and find a seek out a new, more positive place in life.

Life is never perfect. I’ve had struggles since then just like everyone, but I changed the way I reacted to them. I also set very clear boundaries for myself and I’ve stuck to them. I have an amazing and supportive group of friends who don’t screw people to get what they want, they’re of a much more inclusive and positive mindset and atmosphere. I went back to my roots; animals, and writing. I work in rescue and I get a paycheck for doing so (living the dream, one can say!) I have horses again and I’m publishing novels. Riding is the best escape there is, and holding countless hours of creation in my hands as a book really reminds me of who I am underneath all of the crazy detours that life has taken me on. When I was a teenager that’s what I wanted out of my adult life, but I got sidetracked, I explored other interests, and they didn’t work out for me to say the least. That’s okay. There was clearly a lesson in all of that, don’t try to fit in with the types of people that don’t share your most basic morals about how people should treat each other. I thrive in a positive atmosphere, saving animals, and lifting others up instead of putting them down.

As I said, life is never perfect. I did end up with a nemesis for a while, but it was different than situations in the past. This person was very cruel to me, intentional or not, but I never allowed myself to over-react. I would say my peace and then turn my back, and I discovered over time that I had a lot of people that defended and supported me through it. I decided to wait it out and trust karma to do whatever was right, and in the end, it did. I suppose in a way I -was- the problem in the past, I will never excuse the horrible things that others said and did to me or how small, betrayed, and invisible that they caused me to feel, but every time one friend would screw me I’d turn to another who was no better, and I always knew it all along but I would ignore that gut feeling. I never ignore my gut anymore. I always listen when I feel like something is wrong and I make lowkey decisions accordingly.

I did end up with another struggling situation where someone was very intentionally targeting me, but I handled it differently than I would have in the past. I would confront this person when I needed to, but after I said my peace, I would just turn around and continue to live my life. I also had a very amazing support system who would not only cheer me up, but actively stand up for me if this person tried to take their vendetta too far. I never had friends like that in the past. They would act supportive in private, but they were more concerned about themselves and they would turn on me if it was convenient for them.

In the end, the latest situation resolved itself without my active participation, and that person is no longer a part of my life. I was patient and I trusted karma to handle it. Karma came through.

My life improved after walking away from all of the negativity of the past, and as for the people that did awful things to me, karma showed up in their lives just as it was supposed to. I’d never say that I wish bad things upon others, but I also think that how you treat others always comes back around to you.

Today I feel a lot of gratitude for karma, for good friends, and for purpose. I always used to write when I was feeling terrible as sort of a cathartic behavior, but I believe that it’s equally as important to write about positivity and improvement in life, as well. I’m grateful.

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