Rather than doing my typical answering of a question from my 365 list for my DailyBlog : I have something on my mind and I’d like to ask the advice of anyone who might read this and be willing to give it.
I am so blessed to have my job. I am good at it, I love what I do and even more important, when I am working my mind is completely on my work and on nothing else.
But when the workday ends, if something was weighing on my mind before I started my work day, my mind just picks up right where it left off without asking my permission to do so.
Abut a month and a half ago I sort of reached a last-straw scenario and decided to completely revamp my life. I moved, I got a new job (the job which I love) and I cut ALL negative people completely out of my life. When I say all, I actually mean it, and that even includes people that are in any way associated with negative people whether they themselves are negative or not. I really just cleaned house, so to speak, in every way possible and moved on with my life.
But as anyone who has ever tried to put a negative situation behind them, whether it be family, past relationships, friendships that have gone sour, or countless other types of situations, i they really effected you, those feelings tend to linger and you’re left with this pile of garbage on your front lawn that you know is going to take a long time to fully get rid of, especially because you have to figure out HOW to get rid of it.
There is one particular person, her name is Jen, that has been awful to me for the last five years. To say she has been “sort of mean” to me is like saying Hitler was “sort of a jerk.” I have never in my life before her come across someone so vile, so arrogant, and so thoughtlessly cruel. SHe would say the most horrible, hurtful things not just to me, but about me to others, and about others I care about, and be completely unapologetic about it to this day. Those things included but are not limited to; defaming the name of an old boss of mine who was like a Dad to me who died of brain cancer, JUST because she knew it would hurt me, and telling someone that I neglect and abuse my dog and it should have been taken away from me. (My dog is literally my child, I love her a lot and I would never harm a hair on her head and that was such an awful horrible hurtful comment to make.) This girl has also never even met me, or my dog.)
I want to explain further that this is not a former friend, or someone I ever knew in the first place and thats what makes her attacks on me all the more bizarre and cruel. Five years ago, she (on the Internet, no less) decided to involve herself in a situation of mine that had absolutely nothing in the world to do with her or anyone she even knew, and ever since then she has taken sadistic pleasure in finding ways to hurt me. What makes it even more complicated is that she has a group of friends who think she is the most wonderful person in the world because she’s such a good friend to them, apparently, and that has made it all the more hurtful for me because what makes a person that is supposedly so nice to a lot of people pick a random stranger to torment like that – and why is that random stranger me? For the last five years she has done and said things that have attempted to strip me of my autonamy, she has even admitted that she justifies her behavior by telling herself I don’t have feelings – which is among the most flabbergasting statements I have ever heard because I am actually a very sensitive person and the emotional pain that she has caused me has severely affected my life – and again, this isn’t some ex-friend with a vendetta or someone that used to know me, this is a person who, over the Internet, decided to involve herself randomly in my life by becoming .. for lack of a more sophisticated word, my Bully.
And here is the thing; I hate her. I literally, truly, hate her. Hate is not a word you should ever throw around, and its even more awful of a feeling. If she died tomorrow, I would feel glad and I am ashamed that I feel that way. I am not a person who was built to be bitter and angry all of the time and being angry, and even hating someone – is so exhausting and negative. But when she slips into my mind, a feeling of incredibly intense disgust washes over me. So much so that I often have a physical reaction to it, I shudder and sometimes even feel nauseous. And I hate her. I truly wish I did not have to share air and a planet with this awful person, I actually resent the fact that she still lives on this earth while I do.
And its such an awful way to feel, its so negative and all I want to do is run away from that feeling. So I try to focus on the positive and on the good things that are in my life now and often it works, but there are still times when that resentment and negativity creep back in.
I have considered writing her a letter. In this letter, I would try not to let my hate speak, but my heart instead. I would just be frank and tell her that the things she has said and done have hurt and affected me in a very intense and very negative way, and that maybe she doesn’t think she has to realize that because we have never met in person and to her I may be some random no one on the other end of a computer, but I am just as real as she is and when someone treats me like a human garbage can, it hurts just as much as it would probably hurt her. I’ve tried this before actually, but she just doesn’t care. I have gotten sound advice from others, which is “You can’t base your ability to move on upon her choice to take responsibility for her behavior and how its negatively impacted your life.” Thats true. But how do I move on from these negative hateful feelings without some kind of closure that I may never get?
I know that my health and happiness is more important than her facing the consequences of her behavior (because karma will do that someday anyway if it hasn’t already) but it doesn’t make it suck any less.
So on to the actual part where I need advice – should I write that letter/email/thingy? Or if not, what else can I do to sort of give myself closure and help myself move past these negative feelings and fully enjoy all of the positive things in my life instead?