One thing I have in common with my birth mother is that we are not resillient people and when we get hurt we don’t know how to just “get over it” and “move on.” It lingers; the things others do to us can sometimes keep us frozen in a state of suffering and confusion.
Fortunately for me though, with some help from karma, even though I can’t just “get over” the past I can definitely use its lingering influence to enrich my life rather than allow it to hold me down, or hold me back.
Yesterday was my seventh day in a row working, and I won’t complain about it because I love my job. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like a job, but a hobby I am passionate about, with friends I value, and I just happen to get a paycheck for it as well. “Working” yesterday consisted of co-running a booth at Pridefest, which I would have gone to anyway even if I hadn’t been working. It was a refreshing experience that I deeply appreciated.
I saw a lot of things at Pridefest. I saw a lot of nearly completely naked people; a lot of bare butts, a lot of “free the nipple” female titties, some cock socks, some furries and even some “puppies” (the sub is the dog on a harness and leash) etc. The naked people wandering around were not supermodels, but completely normal people with completely normal body “flaws.” There was a lot of sagging boobs, a lot of cellulite, and a lot of people who gave literally zero fucks at all about some impossible to attain BS standard of what the human body should look like. Being around hundreds of people whose very presence at Pridefest had the positive and wonderful message of non-judgement and the right, and celebration, of exactly what makes them unique, it is such a positive message that I have always believed in so wholeheartedly.
The thing is, though, I don’t think I would be capable of feeling such a deep appreciation for the life I now get to live if I didn’t have lingering thoughts, memories and feelings about what people have put me through in the past. The utter shock of some of it, of the lack of logic some people possess whether unwittingly, or willingly and consciously, is what helps me look around at my wonderful friends and at all the people I met yesterday and feel such a deep appreciation for their existence and presence.
It also brings to light the cycle of abusive relationships, and I’ve had to acknowlege to myself that yes, I was a participant in that cycle. A long time ago, I heard this quote : “If you put a live frog in boiling water it will jump right out, but if you put it in cold water and heat it up gradually, it will just sit there and slowly boil to death.” That’s what being in abusive relationships is, because when you are in one, it is VERY hard to see it for what it is. I definitely know that the friendship I had with my ex-roommate was toxic. We were just not compatible in any way, shape or form, and she did intentionally sinister and mean things to me, took advantage of me in some pretty grotesque ways, and I was beyond hurt and shocked and afraid for months but I kept making excuses for her in my head because she was my friend and I cared about her.
But that’s exactly what you CAN’T do in those situations. If someone is hurting you, ESPECIALLY on purpose knowing what they are doing, that is toxic and it is unacceptable. I wish I would have gotten out a long time before I did, but I also know now that things happened the way they did for a reason. I am not angry with her anymore, but the things she said and did to me will always be a part of me. That’s something I don’t have a choice in. What I do have a choice about, though, is HOW it effects me. Going forward, I choose to use it as an example of a situation I never want to be in again. No matter how much I may care about someone, I will no longer tolerate anyone dumping and/or projecting their issues onto me, using me, seeing me as a convenient trash can, or anything else in the negative field. I’m grateful that I have such a thick brick wall up in that regard, that I have zero tolerance for anyone who treats me without value. It has made my life so much easier; not being so consumed with all the bad things has made so much room for good things.
With feelings toward some people in my past, I still struggle. There are certain things people have said and done that were so shocking cruel to me that they will always linger in my head. I will never forget seeing a “meme” the girls who stole my podcast made of me boasting about how ugly and what a “troll” I was. Let me reinerate that being called ugly is NOT something that phases me or hurts my feelings; people can get over themselves, I don’t look like a supermodel, never have, never will, boo hoo move on. What shocked me about it was how much they enjoyed going out of their way to put me down, it was the FUN they were having doing it. Now, I’m not going to say I have never said a mean thing about either of those girls. Of course I have. But I can say with honesty that they only came from moments of pure shock and pain and impulsive defensiveness, and I am in no way shape or form proud of myself for losing my temper like that. They were proud of themselves. That was shocking ot me on so many levels, the tallest one being that I was friends with people capable of that, what horrible judgment I had to not be willing to see them for the kind of people they were. (Again going back to how, when you’re in cycles of abusive relationships, you rationalize and excuse things you shouldn’t; you’re unwilling to see people for what they are.) But I can use my shock at that situation to my advantage, as well. I know, without a doubt, that no matter what I am feeling or what is going on in my life, I NEVER want to be that kind of person. I never want to be PROUD of myself and ENJOY putting someone else down, no matter how petty the insult may or may not be. Those girls will remain in my memory as gaitkeepers, they are the embodiment of me making sure that I never behave toward others the way they behaved toward me. In a way, their shocking behavior has actually improved the person I am.
I am able to look at the people I now know, people so drastically different than any of these people from my past, people who go out of their way to be kind to people – NOT just the people they like but to everyone – people who respect others privacy, don’t get involved in issues that don’t involve them becuase they respect others – people who are helpful, people who, even if they know a lot of things never act arrogant about it, people who are everything I’ve wanted people to be; and I know karma is making up to me what those people from my past refused to take responsibility for, and I know now that karma is incredibly real. Those girls refused to admit (despite my overwhelming evidence) that they stole from me, and as long as they continue to not apologize to me, they will suffer. Am I glad they are suffering? No. I do not gloat about anyone’s pain or misfortune. But I do know that as long as anyone treats someone like they are worthless, they will not be able to lead completely free and happy lives. I am not perfect, I’ve made mistakes and I’ve hurt people. I know those things were wrong. I know people did not deserve the ways in which I hurt them. I cannot change the past but I’ve contacted these people, and I’ve sincerely apologized. I hope it brings them some peace. I may never get peace from the people of my past, but I have peace through karma. Without the lingering past, I would not be able to feel such a deep sincere appreciation for my present and that, ladies and gentleman, is the yin-yang.